i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
