Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
