Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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