I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
