she told me i tasted like america
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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