I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
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You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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