Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
