So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
