once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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