I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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