I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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