Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
