no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
