he thought i was a dude.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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