Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?