But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY