Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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