if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
