Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
