If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
3 2 1 whiskey
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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