I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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