She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
