I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
