gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
