I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
