I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
