Don't you send me to vm
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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