Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
