true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
