Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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