your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
