I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
