you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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