It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
