Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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