I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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