remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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