I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
