Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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