im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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