Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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