It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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