How'd it feel making her break her religion?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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