I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
