These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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