we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
