The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
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I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
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It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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