Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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