you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
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My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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