i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
