I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
