Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
