The maid of honor just puked.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
