My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
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I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
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I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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