I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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