This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i drank out of a bidet.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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