If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Will exercising make me less horny?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
